It's so good to get back into you
by BBCkilledthejoy
Summary: Dean is broken up and he's wasting his life at the bar. One day a mysterious man walks in the bar and that changes everything in Dean's life.
1. Chapter 1

Dean was sitting at the bar as he did every night since the "accident". He was having his usual drink – double whiskey with ice. It was his fifth glass, only three more to go until he gets numb enough not to feel the pain anymore. He was hitting on the bartender - it was part of his routine. He knew he was lucky to be this handsome, tall well built with deep green eyes, because otherwise he would never get laid. Who would want to hook up with someone so fucked up as he is? He grinned in his mind and thought:

"Yeah God must love me so much to give me this look" He was being cocky and sarcastic as ever, but he didn't care. As he was about to get the bartenders number he heard a deep, sorrowful and frightened voice, somehow so familiar.

"Has anyone seen this girl around here?" Dean assumed he must be holding a picture or something.

"Great." He thought. "Here's another scumbag husband who was hitting his wife till she couldn't take it anymore and ran off with the money her beloved one haven't managed to waste on booze or drugs, yet." Dean was used to seeing people like this everyday: pathetic bastards wasting their lives in a bar drinking twenty four-seven. Dean, however, wasn't wasting his life as there was nothing left to waste. As Dean turned around to tell the man to fuck off - yeah he was hoping to pick up a fight as it was also part of his routine, which helped him to discharge - he was almost swept off his feet.

"It can't be" he thought. "I'm just imagining – those pills - he has been taking antidepressants since that night - and whiskey don't go well together, I'm just hallucinating." He closed his eyes so hard it actually hurt, but when he looked again the man was still there going from table to table talking with others. He tried to bite his tongue and even to pinch himself, but the man wasn't gone. In fact, he was walking right at Dean. Dean panicked. He didn't know what to say, what to do, it seemed like he had too much body parts so he didn't know where to put them. It felt like his hands were too long, his feet too short, he forgot how his lungs work.

"Is this some kind of a cruel joke?" he thought. "A shape-shifter maybe?" his palms were sweating, and his mind couldn't form a normal sentence. He tried to convince himself that it's all happening in his head, but deep inside he knew that it's not a fantasy, not a dream. This is really happening even though he didn't have any eligible explanation. The man finally approached Dean and asked him:

"Have you seen this girl around here?" Dean felt another punch it the chest, which took his breath away, made him feel sick. That voice… When the man was standing so close it sounded exactly like… He tried to answer but immediately forgot the question, he tried to look into the man's eyes to help himself gather his thoughts. Mistake! It was a huge fucking mistake. When the man was so near the similarity was even more striking: same blue eyes that shine so brightly, same goofy hair, which gives him a look like he has just got up, even the head tilt. He was tilting his head just like Castiel used to do when he was confused. He was even standing almost too close just like…

"No" Dean thought and shook his head in disbelief. "It can't be. He saw him die. He watched his life slipping away. Dean was even holding his hand at that moment his eyes closed and his heart stopped beating." He completely forgot that the man was still standing in front of him, giving him confused sideway glances. Apparently, the man asked something but Dean didn't hear him. He repeated:

"Have you seen her?" There was hope and pleading in his eyes, Dean forced himself to take his eyes from the man's face and look into the picture. He hated to say no, he hated not being able to help him. But what else could he do? He just shook his head because he wasn't sure if his mouth will cooperate with him. The man said:

"Thank you anyway. Here's a flyer with her picture and my number. If you just see her, please call me." He gave Dean a sad but warming smile and walked out the door. When he saw the man leaving, he felt a stab in the heart almost as bad as that night… He was terrified of loosing the man he didn't even know. It felt like he was loosing Cas all over again. His hands were trembling and his knees felt like they were made out of jello. He wasn't in the mood for drinking anymore, basically because he knew that there aren't enough quantities of alcohol in the world to ease his grief. At least not tonight. He paid for his drinks and walked away leaving the bartender very disappointed but, actually, he couldn't care less. He went outside in the cold night's air and it helped him to sober up a bit and think about what have just happened clearly. Was it real, or he just wanted it to be real so badly he went fucking nuts? He didn't know what to think or what to do anymore. It had already started to sink in, that Castiel is gone, that he would never be able to see his angel again. The pain was not so bad now. Well at least it wasn't so bad that he couldn't walk or think or do the basic chores like at first. And today, out of the blue, he sees him, talks to him, touches him again…After all this time…

"Damn it, Dean!" he told himself. "Do you like torturing yourself, you masochist? It is not Castiel. It can't be" He got into the Impala and shoved the door so hard the window trembled. He reached towards the backseat and took a dirty trench coat. He pressed it against his face, turned on the radio as loud as possible - a sob came out from his mouth, his shoulders were shuddering from the wail that forced it's way out of Dean's mouth.

"Why? Why did I have to see this man?" thought Dean. He was starting to get in terms with the fact he will never see him again. Well maybe it wasn't Castiel, which only made his suffering worse. He has already said his last goodbyes. And now everything came back: the pain that pierces through every inch of your body, the loneliness that leaves enormous holes in your soul that never heel. And the worst part – acceptance, perception that there's nothing you can do about it, nothing in the world can change what happened or make things right again. After all that, the guilt catches you – you know you never made amends with the guy, you never said how you felt about him, you just hope he knew. You know he did it for You, he did it because You were so damn important to him, even more important than his own life. And You did nothing - you turned your back, closed your eyes and ears so not to hear the man asking for redemption, for understanding, so not to see his eyes pleading for help. You know you didn't even try to mend the ties between you. Dean let an agonizing sound from his chest, threw the trench coat on the back seat and hit the road. He drove for miles because he just didn't want to stop as it seemed if he'll stop just for a second the world will slip out from his feet and everything will turn out to be just another nightmare. While he was speeding through empty streets, he had no idea were he was going, he had only one thought:

"I have to see that man again… Just for a moment, from afar, but here laid the most important question - how?" He didn't know anything about that man. Not even his name, only that he looks exactly like Castiel. Suddenly it came to him:

"The flyer!" he shouted out loud.

Dean pulled to the side of the road and started looking for it. He checked every pocket, his wallet even the car but it wasn't there.

"Son of a bitch! I must have left it at that bar!" he was furious but somehow happy. At least now he had something to occupy his mind, it was like working a case but this time he wasn't looking for something evil he was looking for something he desperately needed. He drew back to the bar in a few minutes, which felt like a few centuries, but they were already closing.

"Hey!" shouted Dean "I left something in here. Can I take it?" A shabby janitor let him in and watched him as he was searching everywhere.

"What are you looking for?" he asked

"I'm looking for a flyer that a young man gave me this evening, he was looking for his sister."

"Who, Castiel?" asked the cleaner "he probably…" but Dean couldn't hear what he was saying anymore, there was only one thought spinning in his head, crashing to the sides of his brain

"CASTIEL!" Dean knew that it can't be a simple coincidence, he never believed in that crap. If at first he wasn't sure what he was going to do, now he had only one goal – to trace Castiel and find out what the hell is going on.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean woke up in the impala. He wasn't even sure where he was, but he figured it should be an afternoon as the sun was shining so brightly it made his eyes hurt. For the first time in a few months, he wasn't hangover or drunk. He now remembered where he actually was – outside the building Castiel lives. He wanted to go up to him so badly, but he was too afraid. What do you say to a man you think is your best friend, but it seems that he doesn't even remember you? Dean was too afraid to scare him, he was afraid the man will start running in the opposite direction and Dean will never see him again. Of course, Dean is not that stupid to think that the man is really his guardian angel, which for all he knows is very unlikely. He tried to figure out how this can be happening. He reconsidered over 10 theories, from demons to shape-shifters, but nothing seemed to fit. Just as his stomach was starting to growl, it must have been two days since he last ate, Castiel left the building and started walking down the street. Dean jumped off the car and followed him. He had no idea where the man was going but he sure as hell hoped it was a diner, as his stomach kept reminding him of itself every other two minutes. But of course, luck is not on the Dean's side, because Cas didn't go to a diner, he went to a police station. For obvious reasons Dean couldn't walk in, he would be put behind the bars before he could count to three. Dean didn't know what to do next, he obviously couldn't keep standing and staring at the police station without being noticed, no matter how stupid cops may be they're not that dumb not to notice a criminal who has been charged with different accusations in over 5 states and has his adorable face in the F.B.I. data base. As there was nothing left to do he went to a pavement café across the street.

Dean has already been sitting there for more than two hours when he heard a familiar voice:

"Where you following me?" Dean was taken aback by the question and the tone, which wasn't angry, but more like curious. Castiel was leaning on the table, his eyebrows lifted and head tilted. Dean was so surprised he couldn't even think of a proper lie so he just said: "Yes."

"_You idiot, you fucking idiot"_ thought Dean. _"So here goes your master plan not to scare this man. Well done, you moron."_ But it didn't seem like the man was going to run, he just asked:

"Can I sit down?" Dean nodded and pointed to the chair in front him:

"Make yourself comfortable" Dean became more suspicious about this Castiel. When someone says they were following you, you run, kick their asses and you sure as hell don't try to be polite and talk to them. _"What is he up to?"_ the thought crossed his mind.

"Why?" asked Castiel.

"Why?" Dean repeated, because he felt lost in his mind so he wasn't sure what the man meant by saying this.

"Yes. Why were you following me? Do you have any intention of hurting me?" he looked at Dean with curiosity and caution. Dean chuckled. Now the man sounded just like Castiel: socially awkward and lost. Dean shook his head:

"No. I don't want to hurt you. I just want to know who you are. That's all."

"Well I figured. I don't feel any threat coming from you. I'm Castiel."

"I know" answered Dean and quickly shut his mouth. He wanted to kick himself or smack his head on the table. Why on earth he said that? If the man wasn't running before now he's definitely going to. But Castiel kept sitting watching Dean with curiosity. Dean tried to explain himself so not to look like a creep, though it will be hard to do when he keeps digging this messy hole for himself.

"You see, you reminded me of someone I lost, a lot and I just thought that maybe you were that person, you know? Stupid hope." Dean was looking for his reaction but the man remained still

"Was that someone important?" he asked with a very serious and troubled face. Dean looked at him and smiled:

"Yes, very. Actually he was my best friend, a shoulder to lean on, you know?" Cas shook his head:

"No. I don't know that feeling. I never had a friend. At least I think so." Dean was startled. He wasn't sure if Castiel was talking in general or he was referring to Dean. Maybe Cas remembered everything but hated Dean so much he decided to build a wall between them, to forget about him, to move on. Cas kept talking:

"You see I can't help you to find out who I am as I myself, don't know that" he looked down at the table and added "I wish I knew. It's so hard to be so alone and outlandish, the only thing I know is that my name is Castiel. It's unmanageable to walk around without knowing a thing about yourself." He looked away with a pain in his eyes "I'm sorry I don't know why I'm telling you this, but you just seem so familiar, I feel so safe talking to you." Dean wanted to hug Cas and tell him the truth so badly but he still wasn't sure whether it's a good idea, so he just asked:

"What about that girl you were looking for at the bar last night, Cas? Is it okay for me to call you Cas?"

Castiel just shrugged his shoulders and answered:

"I don't know her, I was wandering in the streets one night lost and wounded. She just appeared from nowhere like an angel and called me Castiel. She healed me and put me into bed at some motel. When I woke up she was gone and I have been searching for her since then. And well about you calling me Cas - it's fine. That sounds somehow familiar and comforting. Maybe you think people used to call me by this nickname?"

Dean smiled and said:

"It's possible. You know maybe I could help you to find that girl? My job is kind of looking for things that are very hard to find or just don't want to be found"

"So you are a detective?" Dean saw that Cas was excited to be offered some help, he figured people weren't very friendly to this extraordinary stranger, Dean smiled. He was so happy talking to Castiel that he wanted for this moment to never end.

"You can say that." he looked at Cas, gave him a warm smile and called the waiter. Dean knew that there's a new beginning. He was determined to help him find this girl and get his memories back. This is how he's going to make things right again. Cas smiled at him too, happy as ever, he didn't know why, but this man made him feel good and needed.

**Thank you for reading it. Let me know if you like it so I could know whether to continue or not. Sorry for the mistakes, English isn't my mother tongue.**


	3. Chapter 3

It was already three weeks since Dean reunited with Cas. They didn't find out anything useful – every lead they got always ended up to be just another dead end. It was like that girl didn't even exist and sometimes Dean would catch himself thinking that maybe Castiel made up the whole thing, which would mean that he's not Castiel at all, but just some supernatural freak trying to get his revenge on Dean for killing his mommy daddy sis or whatever these creatures have. He didn't want to think that way so he would just quickly push these thoughts aside. He was happy and that should be all that matters, right? He stopped drinking as he didn't feel the need – he would just grab a few bottles of beer with Cas and talk. They talked about so much. Castiel wanted to know everything about Dean's dad, mom his brother about the friend he lost. When Dean talked Cas never interrupted, he just listened giving small nods or smiles, when Dean was talking about one of the few good memories he's got. It was an idle life for Dean – it felt like he was on a job again, and most importantly he wasn't alone. The scrappy motels looked like home, bad diner food tasted like a home made meal and a ride in the car was the best part of the day, because Castiel was sitting next to him, so real and so close he was even able to touch him and Dean knew he wasn't going anywhere. He knew Cas was there to stay and that made Dean feel safe and needed. Cas was being socially awkward and unacceptable as he always used to be and it gave Dean hope that he's right, that this is his guardian angel. That it really is. One time he asked Dean a question that made him mad without knowing why.

"So this friend of yours. You said he was special. Does that mean you were maintaining sexual relationship?" Dean was so taken aback that he wanted to punch Cas for asking this.

"It was more than that! I mean NO! Jesus, I'm straight and so was he. Just for the record it's very inappropriate to ask this."

"My apologizes" Castiel was startled by Deans reaction. "I didn't mean to offend you."

"That's okay, Cas." Dean smiled as he calmed down a bit. _"If only he knew that he was talking about himself"_ thought Dean and grinned.

"What is so funny?" Castiel asked giving him a confused glance.

"Nothing. Let's go to sleep, we have a lot of stuff to do tomorrow." He fell down on his bed without even bothering to take his cloth off and watched Castiel talking off his, neatly folding them. Dean looked away and his cheeks blushed. The sight of angels naked, pale skin was far more appealing than it should be.

"Turn off the light when you're done" murmured Dean and covered his head with the blanket. The minutes kept passing by and Dean wasn't able to fall asleep. He heard Castiel's calm and rhythmical breathing on the other bed just across the room. Usually this sound helped him to relax and fall asleep, when the angel was so near he wasn't even having nightmares about torture in hell, about his brother Sam and other awful things that used to torment him as soon as he closed his eyes, but tonight something was different. Castiel's presence didn't calm him down at all. His head was full of thoughts and he couldn't push them away. Some of those thoughts were so disturbing it made Dean blush, and you would never consider Dean as shy. He felt irritation over taking him so he got up and walked outside to get some fresh air. Dean felt so confused and confronted. He didn't know why he felt so attracted to the angel. He never had felt anything like that for any men and to be honest he never felt that way about any woman either. _"Am I gay?"_ the thought crossed his mind_. "No, I'm not gay. It's just he is my friend and I missed him so much. I'm just getting used to being with him again"_. Dean wasn't against homosexuals he just never considering himself as one, he never wanted to do that with a guy. He decided to sleep in the car, because seeing Castiel next to him was too uncomfortable and disturbing. He got into the Impala and curled on the back seat, the seat that has seen a lot of women, who can guarantee that Dean is far from gay. He smiled to himself for being such an idiot and felt that his eyelids are becoming heavier with every second so he closed his eyes and quickly fell asleep, it wasn't too long till the nightmares kicked in.

The next morning Dean woke up very tired as the nightmares kept interrupting his sleep. It seemed that when the angel wasn't near, he couldn't get rid of thoughts - what he has done and what has been done to him. He headed back to the motel room and walked in. Dean assumed Cas was in the shower as he heard the water running in the bathroom, he sat down on the bed and waited for Cas to come out, he was so hungry he felt like someone in his stomach was playing drums and he got irritated because Castiel was talking forever in that bathroom. It was over 20 minutes now and Dean thought "Gosh that angel. Is he waxing his legs or jerking off in there". The thought of Castiel jerking off made him smile, that nerdy angel probably doesn't even now how his "friend" works, so yeah he's probably waxing his legs. Just than the bathroom door opened and Dean was starting to open his mouth to tease him, but he quickly clutched his lips together. Castiel was standing in front of him completely naked. Dean couldn't help but check out Cas from the bottom to top: those strong but so silky looking thighs, his "friend" which if he didn't know how to use was a shame, because clearly there was a lot to work with, his perfect abdomen, his chest and shoulders. He wasn't very masculine but you could see that he was strong and without his clothes he didn't look nerdy at all. Dean felt that his own "friend" was trying to set himself free from the jeans and Dean's cheeks burst into scarlet red.

"Jesus Christ Cas! What are you doing? Put something on!" shouted Dean, but in his mind there was only one thought _"better stay like this"_ and that made him blush even more. Cas walked back into the bathroom without saying a word and came out with the towel around his waist which didn't help a lot as it was enough for Dean's "friend" to keep trying to break lose.

"Cas, there are parts of other dudes I never want to see. Why the hell are you walking around naked?" Dean was furious but more with himself then Cas and his brain didn't help with that a lot as it stubbornly was trying to picture how Cas would look from behind.

"I'm sorry Dean. I thought you were out and I left my clothes here." Castiel didn't look embarrassed even in the slightest, he just had an apologizing look on his pretty face. _"pretty face? Did he just really called Cas' face pretty? Jesus what the hell is wrong with me?"_ thought Dean, but all he said was:

"Okay, okay, just next time put something on even though I'm already traumatized for life. Let's go grab something to eat." Cas swooped his clothes away from the bed and walked past Dean, who was still feeling confused by his "friends" reaction, just an inch away from him, which made the pressure in his pants even worse. Cas came out in five minutes dressed and ready to go. Dean looked again at Cas and all he could imagine was his naked body, that perfect skin. Dean felt really uncomfortable looking at Cas because it's not a custom thing to imagine your friends naked, especially when your friend is a dude and you are both straight as a stick. They went to check out of the motel and while Dean was filling some blanks at the register the receptionist was eye fucking Cas so hard, that even Dean felt aroused. Dean looked at Cas who wasn't giving a rat's ass about receptionist mentally having sex with him and that made him smile. The girl was pretty determined, though, she slipped a card with her number into Dean's palm and whispered:

"Would you mind passing this to your friend?" Dean smiled, even though he was furious:

"Oh not at all but you see you are not exactly his type." Dean could see the disappointment his words left on her face and felt satisfied about that, who cares if that makes him a bad person this bitch deserved it. Dean shook his head and walked towards Cas who was now standing next to the car, the sun playing in his hair, his eyes shut, his face absorbing every drop of the sunlight, a smile playing on the corners of his lips. Dean stopped to admire Cas for a bit – he couldn't remember the time when Cas looked so much like an angel, even when he knew he was one he used to look more like a soldier, a warrior, you bearly saw a smile on his face, his shoulders always had so much weight to bear. Dean didn't want to approach him and ruin this perfect picture so he just stood there and thought that the angel didn't notice him. Castiel, in fact, saw that Dean was looking at him with admiring expression and that made him happy. Dean thought that Cas didn't see how the receptionist slipped her number into Dean's hand, but Cas saw that too and he knew that number was meant for him but he never got it, well this actually made him even glad. He noticed everything about Dean. Cas felt like he has known him for years. He could guess his mood from a simple movement of his body, he knew when to leave Dean alone and when to talk to him. Cas felt so empty before he met Dean and now he had a friend who cared about him. Castiel's thoughts were suddenly interrupted by Dean:

"Come on, Cas, get in the car and let's grab something to eat! I'm starving!" Cas looked at him and gave him a smile. _"A friend"_ he thought and got in the Impala. They were just two friends driving together, but little did they know, that this moment was the moment they started to fall for each other.

**I was going to write this story making Cas and Dean just friends, but this is impossible. They are just meant to be together. So yeah probably there's going to be sex later. What do you think about this idea? **


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